Sex with Trey Songz: 10 Things I’ve Learned

Trey Songz is not here to change the world, just to make you change your panties.

10. Unless the neighbors know your name, you are doing it wrong.

As my friend and fellow comic Josh Gondelman points out, perhaps before moving in, hip hop prodigy Trey Songz should have knocked on his neighbor’s doors and introduced himself. “Hi, my name is Trey and I’ve been required by the laws of smooth R&B to inform you that my love-making is what some would classify as ‘chandelier-shakin’ loud.’ Thank you for your time.” Do the neighbors only know your name because they got your mail for you that time you went to a conference in Tucson? That is what we call “a mistake.” (‘Neighbors Know My Name’)

9. The way to be a good girlfriend is to go to the strip club with your boyfriend.

If your man is heading to the strip club, the best possible way to ensure he doesn’t cheat on you with a stripper is obviously to come along. Consider it “date night.” The couple that stuffs dollar bills down a lady named Bambi’s thong together, stays together. After Badda-Bings, you and yours can head home and re-enact what you saw up on that pole Wendy Williams told you would be fun to install in your marital bedroom. What a fun, sexy time for you both. (‘Already Taken’)

8. Your body is a problem but it can be solved by the right man.

If you’re like every other woman, you frequently walk around looking hot only to suddenly stop and sigh with frustration, “Golly, my body is such a problem.” Fear no more, ladies. All you need is a man who can solve a problem better than Maria and the ‘Extreme Makeover’ crew combined. Consider your torso a complicated math problem (Let’s say: Vagina+Boobs^2-Peen/Chest Hair = SeXXXy). Now consider Trey the Albert Einstein of pussy. You’ve basically got it down. (‘Neighbors Know My Name’)Sidenote: It’s preferable if this problematic body is shaped like “a Coke bottle.” Your guess is as good as mine.

7. If you’re trying to stop cheating on your lover, one last go around is totally okay.

Say you’re a sexy hotel receptionist who fucks an equally sexy R&B sensation who comes through every few months on tour. You’re at work looking forward to some downlow getdown, when he rolls up with his day-time lover. You best play it cool faster than you can say, “AW HELL NAW.” Not one to be burned, you slip him a note with his room key asking for one last tumble. Self-respect be damned! You work in a hotel and he performs with Lil Wayne. Get your priorities in order and spread ‘em, girlfriend. (‘Last Time’)

6. Don’t have sex with your friends!

An oldie, but a goodie in the relationship advice world. Trey laments his inability to be friends with his ex by singing, “I wish we never did it and I wish we never loved it.” Those seem like two different wishes. Does he wish they did it but hated it? That seems rape-y. Does he wish they’d loved it but never did it? Impossible. In this case, syntax is key. In fact, saying “syntax is key” is one way to make sure your friends never want to have sex with you. Case closed. (‘Can’t Be Friends’)

5. Sometimes, you’ve just gotta drop your panties and hope for the best.

All a fella needs is one good song, the right song, to make sure a woman wants to release herself from her underwear. The technical term is “a panty droppa,” though it can also be known as a “baby maker” – though that implies responsibility beyond the dropping of the panties that I’m not sure a minute-thirty slow jam can make a woman commit to. I get that it’s a panty droppin’ love song (greatest oxymoron ever?) but let’s wrap it up and keep babies out of this equation, shall we? (‘Panty Droppa’)

4. Don’t be a tease if you’re not gonna ride.

If you meet a woman during the day, let’s say you approach her at a clothing store, it is then completely acceptable to drop lines like, “Grip them legs back, call me pliers” and “your body is my home, let me come inside” on the first date. Preferably before you even get inside the hotel, where all first dates inevitably end. Listen, it’s not Trey’s fault you were buying those sexy $10 gold lame, scrunched up T-shirts from RAVE Girl. If you’re gonna dress like you’re down to roam the mall texting on your T-Mobile Sidekick, you’re gonna get treated as such. (‘Wonder Woman’)

3. A good sext (sexy text) is an art form.

No need to be a wordsmith when it comes to the art of sexting. Sometimes a picture and an emoticon speak louder than any misspelled words for vagina. Simply include an “LOL :)” as the subject of every dirty text message to show you’re playful about your shadow-y nipples. You’re not some kind of psycho that Twitters pictures of her clit ring to just anyone after all. “LOL :). I never wanted to run for public office anyway.” (‘LOL :)’)

2. Drinking alcohol is the linchpin of any good sexual encounter.

None of that “ordering individual drinks” bullshit. Trey orders by the bottle. None of that “taking sips” fuckery either. Trey pours the whole thing down your throat at once. Now get up on that table and dance. After all, Trey is your doctor and he is prescribing nothing but cranberry and vodkas for a disease known colloquially as “DTF.” Bottom’s up, ladies. It’s your bottom that’s up next. (‘Say Aah’ & ‘Bottom’s Up’)

1. He invented sex. Bow down, mortals.

Not sure what else needs to be said here. The man makes the most definitive claim in the history of sticking it in and moving it around; he invented sex. Trey’s controversial prototype of lady-on-top-while-Usher-plays has floated around the world of sex since Biblical times. The man is immortal, due to his mainly “Magnum Lifestyle” of making condom puns. Women love condom puns. (‘I Invented Sex’)

-Gaby Dunn

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