Notes from the Conquistadork–Entry two.
Girl, I saw you from across the room. I was dressed in a dirty wife beater eating cupcakes and imitation crab meat. You were trapped inside of my television. You were going on and on about T-Mobile and some other such shit, and baby, I gotta say: I really made an effort to listen. Baby, I tried. But you were so sexy in that candy cane dress, and I could tell that you really, truly cared about my wireless provider–I just couldn’t focus. Your eyes convey the innocence and pinch-your-cheek adorability that is lacking in the more common women who don’t live in electronic appliances. So I gave it some thought, and I think I’ve figured out the best outcome where the two of us are concerned.
We should totally make out.
As a being of the one-way LSD funhouse mirror that is the television set, I can sense that you are skeptical. And with good reason: I have not come into your home, charming you with my cheerful love of capitalism. We come from two different worlds, T-Mobile girl. But hear me out: I have come up with ten facts you might consider when deciding whether or not our tongues should share a one-bedroom mouth apartment:
1. I play a lot of video games. I know how much the ladies appreciate “girl time”, “girls night out”, “I’m really glad we all experimented together, but let’s not tell our boyfriends night”, etc. Girls have a lot of camraderie, which I totally understand. So when you need to hit up the Victoria’s Secret with your sexy, sexy friends, don’t you worry about me. Just strut in front of the television in your underwear when you want me to stop. Usually that’ll do it.
2. I hardly ever cheat on my girlfriends. It’s happened, like, twice. Three times tops–huh? Oh, her? No–we just fooled around. Whaddaya mean “fooling around counts?” Forget it–I won’t cheat on you, okay?
3. I have never punched a kitten in the throat. No matter how much the little bastard was sassing me.
4. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.
5. My making-out skills have been described as “decent”. I have also received “okay”, “fair”, and “I probably won’t be traumatized by it”.
6. I am all alone. I have been by myself for quite some time. I think on my solitude, and a miasma of darkness and slow-shifting panic set upon me. These four walls which surround me only serve to further remind me of how hollow and empty my life has been. How can I justify my existence? I reach out to the world, but my hand wraps around nothing but air. I cradle myself when I sleep, wracked with sobbing, and dream of a world where I could just touch or interact with another human being. I fear that the loneliness will swallow me whole.
7. I got some weed. You want some weed?
8. I am generous with my sandwich. If I have a sandwich, and you have no sandwich, I will totally give you half of my sandwich. This goes for any kind of sandwich, whether it be pastrami or bologna or a grilled cheese. This, of course, extends to the salad sandwich varieties (chicken, tuna, egg). I’ll offer half my soup, too, but we’ve got to find an empty container to put your half in.
9. I am funny. That’s what everyone says. The other day I was at work, and Jerry in accounting said “Why’re you hogging all the manila folders?” and I was like, “Why’re you hogging all the ugly?” and he was like “What?” and I was like “Yeah, bitch.” And he was all “Oh no you didn’t.” And I told him “I guess so.” So he came back with “That’s cold.” And I’m like “That’s how I roll.” So you can imagine. All that was a joke, of course: I don’t actually have a job.
10. My mom said we’d make a cute couple. I think it’s because we have a similar haircut. I don’t know. She’s crazy like that. I don’t care about that superficial stuff–I just know that after we’re done making out, we’ll be progressive-minded enough to adopt some African babies or something.
So those are my ten reason we should make out, T-Mobile girl. I don’t mean to blow your mind or anything, but I could probably think of a couple more if you gave me a few minutes. That’s cause my mind is a steel trap. Not literally, though. That’s called a figure of speech. That’d be weird if I actually had a steel trap for a brain. But cool around hunting season.
So, yeah–I’ll be expecting an email from you soon. You can set the time and place, but I really recommend a forest in wooded Scotland. I saw William Wallace getting it on there with his girl in Braveheart, and it looked like they were having a really good time. Of course, you’ll have to pay for the plane tickets–I’m sort of broke. Shouldn’t be a problem, though: you’re on TV.
Hugs and kisses,